The Ugly Side of Me

At one time my blog was sub titled “The world According to Babe, the good, the bad, and the sometimes funny. Lately it takes everything I’ve got in me to find the good, and humorous side of my life. In all fairness I know how truly blessed I am. I have the most amazing family . They constantly shower me with love and encouragement. They bend over backwards to make my life easier. More times than I like to admit they are thanked with a very nasty mean spirited tone to my voice. Why am I so hateful to the ones I love the most? This is the not so pretty side of me that I am trying to get under control.

What is the driving force contributing to this behavior? Is it the never ending health issues? I’m sure that is a factor, however some things has recently improved . Thanks to the pumps, the swelling in my legs have gone down greatly. I have continued the exercise program given to me by the physical therapist , and in addition I am now up to 20 minutes a day on the recumbent bike. The pumping combined with exercising has helped with mobility and pain control.

The new CPAP machine with all the high tech accessories is a work in progress. I find it extremely difficult to tolerate the high pressure setting. I don’t think I will never like that damn machine, but I know it is vital that I continue breathing at night. I have to have the mask strapped on so tight , it bruises my nose and cheeks . The other night the pressure had built up in the mask . I woke up when the mask blew off my face. See I found a little humor in this story.

I’m tired of being in constant pain. The Mayo Clinic diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. I always thought that was a catch all disease that doctors used when they had no idea what was causing the pain. I’m still not convinced that is the issue. In April I return to the Mayo for four days of classes on managing fibromyalgia without the use of drugs. I’m all for learning everything I can to make my life more tolerable.

For the time being I am in search for a place to sit, lay, or stand that is comfortable. A place that makes breathing easier, without feeling like I have a ton of bricks on my chest. A place I can lay more than a few minute without my extremities becoming stiff making any movement extremely difficult, and painful. A place I can fall asleep without the fear of waking up gasping for air.

How about a place where I stop complaining on the negativity and start thanking God for all the wonderful blessing he has so abundantly gave to me. I am so impatient. I want my life back, and I want it right now. I have to trust in God that he knows what is best for me and accept whatever that may be.


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