I am Depressed

How do you pull yourself up out of this deep dark hole that’s called depression? Yes, I try hard to turn it all over to the Lord. But I’m failing miserably at keeping my focus on Him. I’m not blaming Him, nor am I angry at Him for the way my health is rapidly deteriating. The truth is I am afraid. I’m afraid they (the doctors) will not find out what is wrong with me, or how to treat the illness until it’s too late. There I admit it, I’m afraid I’m going to die. Every day I feel my body is getting weaker and weaker. I’m finding it impossible to find a comfortable place to sit or lay down to rest. The pressure on my chest and stomach makes breathing very uncomfortable. Due to sleep apnea I stop breathing through out the day and night, whether I’m awake or asleep. I’m now having panic attacks when these episodes occur. The pain pills the doctor prescribed for the lymphedema works, but he has warmed me it suppresses the respiratory system. This can cause my breathing to permanently stop. As a result of this, I do not take the pain meds unless it gets too unbearable.

I do mourn the things I can no longer do. Simple things like going to the store takes all my energy, and afterward I’m physically ill. I want to do so many things. Simple things like putting my clothes on, taking care of my personal hygiene, and doing choirs around the house. These things I took for granted. I am so blessed to have a husband that has stepped right up and does all these things with out one complaint. The things he does for me is amazing. I do love him with all my heart, and hope and pray he doesn’t get down himself for all the work and stress that has fallen on his shoulders.

On a positive note, a few weeks ago the doctor made me home bound. I now have a visiting nurse, physical therapy, and occupational therapy coming to the house several times a week. With the help of physical therapy the strength in my legs is slowly improving making walking much easier. They are also helping me adapt to ways to dress myself and be more independent over all. I am truly grateful to have these fine folks work with me to make my life easier. The insurance has approved this service until the end of December. After that I will be reevaluated and we’ll go from there.

I will not give up. There are far too many things out there just waiting for me to do. My kids , grandkids, husband, family and friends need me, as I need them. I will continue to seek God’s comfort and healing powers. I know through Him all things are possible.



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